Anger

“Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one.” –

Benjamin Franklin

I'm angry.  And I have been wallowing in anger for the past two weeks.

Angry at the weather.  The cold and the snow.  Angry at love, at loss, at the selfishness of people.  At the daily news, my weight, the clutter in my house, and my lack of creativity.  Angry that I left my career of 42 years a year ago and I am not where I thought I would be a year later.  Mad at the betrayal of last year and the time and money I spent helping a friend.  Mad at giving time and money toward living someone else's dream.

Angry that I am not where I think I should be in life, period.  Angry that my dog doesn't like her new water bowl and never wants to cuddle with me.  Mad at pretty much anything I come across daily.  And most of all…. angry with myself for being so angry.  The "good girl" I was raised to be, was not allowed to be angry.  When I did get mad, I was told to not be so dramatic.  I was taught that if I was upset, I was the only one who could change my situation.  Therefore, my anger was my fault, my responsibility. Manage it in silence. Deal with it quickly.  Don't bother anyone else. 

I love HGTV.  Any home remodel show.  Filled with creativity, they make major change look so simple.  The newest shows are timed.  Designers compete to see who can be the most creative and produce the biggest change in a week.  Or build an entire house in 100 days.  It's easy.  Just put your mind to it and transformation happens.  Instant gratification. 

If you have ever remodeled something, you know that nothing is that easy.  You must plan. Talk to an engineer to see if the structure can withstand major changes, like walls being torn down. Produce drawings, a road map for the change, order materials.  And getting permits from the city before you can even start, takes months.  At least in Denver.  None of that is shown in a one-hour show. 

They may show delays due to suppliers or weather, unexpected "finds" when walls are torn down, or work that must be redone due to shoddy contractors.  Stumbling blocks highlighted for dramatic effect.  But, for the most part, change happens, and it happens quickly.   The owners are amazed!!  Yet, none of these shows ever follow the homeowner during the same time.  Chronicling where they are living during the time needed for change.  Situations that I am sure are uncomfortable, cramped and expensive. 

What does home renovation have to do with my anger?  When you dream at night, houses typically represents your "self," your inner world, and your sense of security, with the condition of the house reflecting your current emotional state or aspects of your life that might need attention.  Moving into a new house can represent a significant life change or personal growth.  While renovating an existing house could represent a desire to improve aspects of your life.  

It might seem like a stretch to equate HGTV shows with my past two weeks, but I do not think it is a stretch to state that most of us believe that we should be able to change our lives, our home, at the drop of a hat.  We live in a world of rapid change.  We see it every day on tv.  Dream it and it happens, no matter what "it" is.  Social media reinforces this notion as well.  Lose weight, find love, happiness, a new career, instant wealth.  What IS wrong with US that we can't change that quickly too?

Perhaps it is because we are not seeing the whole story.  We aren't given a full picture of what is needed for change.  We are not privy to what is happening behind the scenes.  The planning, the resources, the time needed to think about WHAT even needs to change.  We believe that we should just be able to rip the walls down and a week later have a whole new structure.  When our life doesn't change as quickly as the world around us, we get angry at our own failure.  For me, I am that little girl again.  Stop being dramatic. Manage it in silence.  Don't bother anyone, just fix it. 

I agree that I am responsible for my feelings.  But that doesn't make anger, or any feeling, wrong.  Sometimes anger is justified.  Necessary.  It's okay to be mad.  It's not okay to live there permanently.  I spent most of my life living with anger I did not know how to own OR let go.  I drank at that anger.  Perhaps that is why it scares me now when it rears its head, and I don't know what to do with it.  How to process a normal human emotion.  I just want it "fixed".  I want it to go away as if it doesn't exist.  Like most things that I don't deal with immediately, it won’t go away, it just hides. Waiting for a time when my guard is down to say, "Remember me?" Like a pipe waiting to burst or a foundation sinking slowly.

This week, I did something unusual.  I reached out.  Okay, so maybe I didn't pick up the phone and call people, but I shared with my community how I was feeling and, SHOCK (at least based on my upbringing), people reached out to me.  To tell me they understood.  To let me know they cared.  That I was NOT alone.  That they too have been angry with the weather and loved ones and the lack of progress in their lives.  We talked.  We shared resources and ideas.  And I felt heard.  I learned that my anger was not only okay, but my feeling was also NOT a source of shame.  That I didn't have to hide it or handle it alone. 

This week was a good reminder that instant change is not reality.  There are many steps in the change process that are eliminated from the story to cram growth into a one-hour show or an Instagram reel.  Rather than understand that we are being shown the abbreviated version, we sit in shame that we cannot be as creative, as transformative, as successful as the rest of the world.  Never acknowledging that you cannot complete a puzzle with only one half of the pieces. 

This week was an emotional and heartfelt reminder that when I am feeling low, I simply need to reach out.  That the lost pieces of the puzzle are being held by other people that DO care about who I am and how I feel.  People that encourage me sit with whatever I am feeling. To not stuff it away so it can show up on a snowy day and torment me.  A reminder that when I open my mouth and give voice to what is happening in my life, I am not wrong.  I am simply having a bad day.  I tore down a wall and found something unexpected, a necessary part of my structure that now needs to be changed, shifted or removed altogether.

To everyone who reached out to me, thank you.  For reminding me that none of us are on this journey alone.  That community matters. That speaking your truth brings love, not shame. That none of us are dramatic in voicing what is happening in our lives, we are simply acknowledging that our house needs a little renovation.  That any remodel is faster and easier with a large team.   And that change is a daily process that brings setbacks and progress. Often all in the same day. 

My home will never be completely "done."  I will take it room by room and add or eliminate rooms as needed.  I would like to say that I will never question its structure again, but I know that is a lie.  Perhaps though, I can have more patience with the remodeling process.  I can hold space for the entire, very complex, process and stop trying to live my life in one-hour segments and sound bites. 

And remind myself often that I have lived in this house for 63 years.  I have been sober for a little over 4 of those 63 years.  Drinking kept my house in disrepair.  I started projects but never gave them the time or attention they needed to be completed.  I have only truly paid attention to and tried to remodel my life for 6.3% of my entire existence.  It’s okay to take more time.  Perhaps I need to just give myself a break.  What a concept.