Answers

“Where there is Rāga, there is restlessness.

The heart reaches outward, chasing shadows of joy,

Clinging to moments, to people, to things—

Forgetting it was whole before the grasp.

Freedom is not found in holding on,

But in remembering who you are without the need to cling.”

-Unknown

We all want answers.  Such a nebulous concept.  Answers are what we seek, but often we aren’t even sure of the questions.  And, when pressed, we only want the “right” answer.  Or the one that will make us feel better.  Smarter.  More in control.  Many times, we are only willing to accept the answer we were looking for, thereby eliminating all other options without even considering if they could also be “right”.   We see the answer as a solution to whatever problem is before us.  But is an answer really what we need? 

Spoiler alert.  No one has the answers.  If they did, would we really want to know them?  Watching a movie or reading a book, I look forward to the story unfolding.  I don’t want the ending revealed.  It would spoil everything.  Knowing what will happen in the next chapter before it is ready to unfold would not bring me joy.  I would feel robbed.   Having the end of the story at the beginning would feel like planting seeds in the Spring one day and coming out the next to see them in full bloom. I would miss watching them grow into themselves.  Watching their progression.  It would take away the joy of nurturing something I intentionally planted into life.  In the same way that I cannot know or change what the next page holds in a book, and am incapable of telling the main character to brace themselves, I must also live in suspense about what the next chapter in my life holds. 

I am living in limbo right now.  That liminal space between the identity I had and the one I want to cultivate.  Monday will be one year from the day I left my career of 42 years.  I was immediately given another “job” that ended on December 31^st and since that time, I have been looking for answers about my next step.  Who am I? What am I passionate about?  What needs to change?  How will I make money? What is my new “job”?  How does technology work?  Why can’t I figure out social media?  Do I need to? How will I meet people?  Will I ever find love again?  Do I want to?  SO many questions.  And not one answer. 

There is a yogic term, Rāga or “attachment”.  It is one of the five Klesha’s and it arises from Avidyā, or “ignorance of our own true nature.”  This leads to identifying with the ego and seeking happiness in impermanent things—creating suffering when those things change or disappear.  Thus, attachment is the root of all suffering.  Not just attachment to things, but to people, emotions, places, pleasure, pain and, most of all, to desired outcomes.  The answer.  Attachment to that most elusive of all things. 

When I was asked a year ago what I would be doing next, my response was, “I am planting seeds, and we will see which one’s bloom.”  One year later, I still don’t have an outcome, an “answer.”  Have things sprouted?  Yes.  But I realized lately that I have become too attached to a need for seeing things in full bloom.   A year is a long time, shouldn’t I know more by now?  My ego says YES, I should.  My heart says, “give it time.” My attachment to knowing how the story is going to end, has robbed me of the creativity necessary to explore what is still to come.   My ego had taken over and I was forgetting to feed and water my heart.  The source of what is needed to fully bloom. 

The ego serves a purpose, but when it takes over the garden, it is time to cut it back so other things can grow.   The hardest thing I have learned in sobriety is to take things one day at a time.  To TRUST that if I keep showing up every day, life will unfold the way it is supposed to unfold.  Which means it usually does NOT unfold the way I expect, but it always brings me what I need.  IF I look for it.  IF I allow it.  IF I TRUST it.  IF I am not attached to the outcome.  Understanding that the best stories ever written were written page by page. That skipping ahead to the end, will never tell you the whole story.  You will miss all the twists and turns and suspense and joy along the way. 

There is such a freedom in letting go.  Trust is one of the hardest concepts for me.  There have been so many situations and people along the way that have robbed me of trust.  This is different.  This is trust in myself, not in others or in anything external.  A “knowing” that has been there all along, but something I had forgotten about and had most certainly never learned to trust.  As stated above, “Freedom is not found in holding on, but in remembering who you are without the need to cling.”  Trusting who I AM. Who I have always been.  Trusting that I have everything I need.  And knowing that any answer will not bring what I seek, it will only bring more questions. 

The questions, the curiosity of life, this is where we bloom.  In knowing that we will never have all the answers.  That we will be lucky if we get any answers and many times they do not arrive, if they come at all, until years after the questions were asked.   My focus needs to remain on what is needed today.  How do I trust myself today.  What do I need to nurture today.  Tomorrow will unfold the way it needs to unfold.  Let go of the outcome.  Fully experience the ride.  It might be bumpy, but the joy is found in the questions.  No answers needed.