Coming Home

Part One

I feel reborn.  I know that sounds cliché, even cheesy.  Theoretically, it is entirely possible.  Every cell in the human body is replaced every 7-10 years. But many are replaced daily or weekly.   Every cell except brain cells, those we have for life.  But we can build new neural pathways in the brain.  Our chakras, or energy centers, also go through different stages of rebirth and development based on our experiences and growth.

So….I have  some new cells, I'm certain I created new neural pathways and my chakras definitely got a workout.  Hence, I feel reborn.  And now I am home.  Back to familiar.  Back to my routine.  Back to work on Monday.  Reborn into an old life.  My biggest fear is that I would experience  growth and do nothing with it.  I have a pattern of taking classes, reading books, listening to podcasts, going on retreats; anything that feels expansive, all done with the best of intentions.  I will change my life!  I learn, but I suck, at the implementation of what I have learned.  I have the tools, but I leave them in the toolbox.

Part Two

I wrote the first part of this yesterday.  Then I fell asleep.  While watching HGTV.  I have been tired, yes.  I was awake for 48 hours straight earlier this week.  I deserved rest.  And that is where I stop myself.  I am falling right back into the familiar.  Something that I have become more aware of lately is the phrase "I deserve". 

In Dublin, I gave a presentation, part of which focused on the difference between "having" and "being".  We often define ourselves by what we "have".  A home, a job, a partner, our family, our identity.  Any person, place, or thing that we value.  Having is external.  Those things outside of us that we have little to no control over and can be lost or taken away at any time.  We live with an undercurrent of fear  and uncertainty around what we might lose.  This can lead to a fear of love, freedom, growth, and change.  A general fear of the unknown.  Of what tomorrow might hold.  What we "have" IS our identity.  This is what makes growth and change so challenging. 

"Being" is internal.  Being is connecting to our deeper sense of self, our essence, our core values.  A being orientation is dynamic and open to change, growth and trust.  Focused on how and who we are internally.  Focused on what we can control.  Our being can be challenged, absolutely, but it can never be taken away.  It is who we are.  Unfortunately, most of us learn from an early age that what we have is far more important than our being.  Our natural state.  It takes work and a lot of practice to know your being.  To trust yourself. 

The phrase "I deserve" has been sticking with me a lot lately.   It is a phrase that was conspicuously absent during my time away.  I'm not clear on if it was absent because I was away from all of the things I "have" - family, job, dog, house - or because I was in a situation where everything was focused on "being", but I didn't miss the feeling of "I deserve". 

Believing that I deserve something usually rears its ugly head when I am feeling a little out of control.  It was the terminology I used the most with drinking.  I deserve this glass of wine because ______.  Fill in the blank and it could be something as simple as because it is Wednesday.  Mostly what I notice is that "I deserve" is usually followed by something self-sabotaging.  Something I define as a treat.  Candy, coffee, games on my phone, social media, binge-watching television.  Escapism.  I guess I didn't feel the need to escape while I was away, because I was busy being present. 

Back to part one…am I reborn?  Can I take what I have learned and incorporate it into my life now that I am back in "the real world"?  Will I use the tools that are in my toolbox instead of seeking out different tools?  This is where "I deserve" needs to leave my vocabulary.  Yes.  I can do all of these things.  But it will require awareness of those times in my life when I fall back into the familiar of escaping through the self-sabotage of "I deserve".  Now when I hear those words, they serve as a beacon for the need to be in conversation with myself and my life.  To pay attention.  To ask my internal "being" self what it really needs.  I know it isn't candy or binge watching television.  Knowing what my being needs is what leads to growth, what will help me incorporate what I have learned. 

The other interesting thing I noticed is that writing this blog was much easier when I was in Greece.  When I was away from all the things I "have".  It felt less threatening to put myself out there when I was in a place where I seemingly had less to lose.  It was just an illusion that I had less to lose.  I was just in a different environment where what I could lose was not so evident.  Not sitting in the living room of the home where I am responsible for the mortgage, for example. Writing this has been much harder and has taken me two days with a session of napping and binge watching in the middle.  My normal escapism. 

This morning, however, I started my day with mediation and mantra.  I lit some candles and grounded myself, reminding myself of what my "being" needed.  Reminded my being that today is a new day and I can participate in it fully or sit on the couch. I can come downstairs and finish this post or watch reruns of HGTV.  Do something that matters to me or fall back into my routine.  Check in or check out.  

I want very much to keep writing.  Again, selfishly, I want to write for me.  To practice writing.  And to keep me focused on what I learned.  To help me integrate the beauty and peace that I found in Greece into my life here.  I, of course, hope that my musings are interesting.  As always, I love your feedback.  Your words help me.  They give me perspective and hope and joy and often humor.  So thank you for indulging me and thank you for being you.  Have an amazing Sunday.  And if you are in Colorado, be safe in the snow!