Counterfeit Coins

Learn to recognize the counterfeit coins


That may buy you just a moment of pleasure,


But then drag you for days


Like a broken man


Behind a farting camel.

- Hafiz  (~1325-1390)

Hahaha.  This visual from Hafiz.  This is how I used to feel in the morning after a night of heavy drinking.  Like a broken man behind a farting camel.  Promising myself yet again that I would give it up.  Knowing it was killing me slowly.  Suicide in plain sight I have heard it described.  Yet I daily proffered my counterfeit coins as the next payment for a small amount of pleasure. 

Hafiz’s poem begins with:

I know the voice of depression


Still calls to you.

I know those habits that can ruin your life


Still send their invitations.

In studying ancient texts for my yoga teacher training, I was struck by the fact that they, like Hafiz, focus on the same questions we still worry about today.  Am I good enough?  Am I lovable?  What is my purpose?  Despite other advances as a civilization, we still suffer from judgment and self-doubt.  Wondering what others think of us, do we fit in, am I wearing the right toga, do my sandals match, what should I say, how should I feel, am I smart enough, too tall, too short, too wide, too narrow.  Will I ever find “the one”, will I be chosen?  Do I measure up in a thousand different ways.  

Apparently, even back in 1325, we all still had bad habits to break.  Negative habits centered around our angst about our place in the world.  And depression.  Followed by actions that could “ruin your life.”  Habits we were paying for with counterfeit coins that we believed might buy us just a MOMENT of pleasure.  The cost of that pleasure? Being dragged for days behind that camel, but never getting anywhere.

Now that I am further into my recovery, even with no alcohol on the menu, there are plenty of other “substances” and behaviors that I am still paying for with counterfeit coins.  Sugar, social media, binge eating, binge watching, coffee, shopping.  There are countless habits and emotions still sending me invitations.  What I realize now is that it isn’t the substance or the behavior that is impacting my life.  It is my willingness to give away parts of me simply because I don’t feel valued in the world.  I am not giving my coins to someone or something else.  I am paying for my feelings to go away.  Paying to not have to be who I am and feel what I feel. 

I convince myself that the options for making me feel better are a “treat” or that “I deserve” them.  After all, life is hard.  We deserve rewards.  Or so the argument goes.  But when your “reward” leaves you with regret or shame or sadness (or feeling like you are being dragged behind a camel) perhaps it deserves some reconsideration.  Charles Eisenstein wrote, “any behavior that alleviates pain without healing its source can become addictive.”  At some point, you must look at WHY you are using your coins to pay for your pain. 

When I stopped drinking, I was lost for a while.  It was in the searching for the WHY that I found solace.  How can you know where you want to go if you don’t understand how you got “here?”  We need to explore our story - all parts of it.  We need to look for AND acknowledge what we are running from, who we are running to, and why we have dismissed certain parts of ourselves and our stories as if they didn’t exist.  They existed.  And the longer we ignore those aspects of self that we have been told are “not okay”, the more money we will spend drowning them. 

Hafiz does offer hope:

But you are with the Friend now
And look so much stronger.

You can stay that way
And even bloom!

“Friend” can be anyone you imagine.  Your soul, your inner child, God, the Universe, a strong community where you feel safe and loved.   One or all these options.  But we will never find our “friend”, if we never look.  We can stay on the path, pay the daily toll and wake the next day with the same self-doubt and frustration.  Or…..we can take an honest look at who we are and how we got here.  We can start asking ourselves different questions.  Questions that might help us be our own friend.  What did I do RIGHT today?  How have I moved my life forward? How did I show myself compassion and forgiveness?  How did I nurture my body?  Did I speak kindly to me?  How many coins did I save by treating myself with love?  Not paying for my feelings to go away.

Nothing changes overnight, despite what marketing teams around the world say.  Sometimes change is so slow it is invisible.  We will not stop spending coins or speaking poorly to ourselves tomorrow.  However, without awareness and effort, change will never happen.  And change can be fearful too.  We want change, we just don’t want TO change.  Despite all our efforts to stay the same, change DOES bring freedom.  A small amount of effort can bring great joy. 

O keep squeezing drops of the Sun


From your prayers and work and music


And from your companions’ beautiful laughter

And from the most insignificant movements


Of your own holy body.

Now, sweet one,


Be wise.


Cast all your votes for Dancing!

In the end, the most important question to ask is, what is the cost of staying the same?  Personally, I want to retire with a few more of my coins in my pocket, maybe even earning some of my coins back.  Most of all, I will be happy to no longer be behind that smelly camel.  And I plan on dancing.  LOTS of dancing.  I hope you will join me!

Much love to you all. 

Lisa

Cast All Your Votes For Dancing - Hafiz

https://57andthensome.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/a-poem-with-farting-camel-cast-all-your-votes-for-dancing/