Dreams

Diana Nyad tried to swim from Cuba to Key West five times in her life.  The first attempt was in 1978 when she was 28 years old.  She already had an impressive career in long distance swimming, but gave up professional swimming not long after her first attempt to reach Key West.  In 2010, when she turned 60, and her mother passed away at age 82, she began to wonder what she had REALLY done with her life.  Had she left her mark, fulfilled all of her dreams?  She found a book of Mary Oliver poems in her mother's belongings, with the quote that many of us know, "What will you do with your one wild and precious life?" 

Trying to answer that question, she got back in the pool, after 30 years, had three more failed attempts and finally realized her biggest dream on September 2, 2013.  The 103 mile swim (although with currents she actually swam 110 miles) from Cuba to Key West,. Without a shark cage.  She was the first person ever to complete this journey.  A distinction she still holds.

The movie, "NYAD", on Netflix follows her adventure.  And what an adventure.  One of the first scenes in the movie shows a poster hanging on her wall that says "A diamond is just a lump of coal that stuck with it."  And did she ever stick with it.  Her final attempt took 53 hours and 200,000 strokes.  Four of her five tries were after she turned 60.  She knew what she wanted and she stuck with it despite what many would see as overwhelming odds.

I have heard the same Mary Oliver quote many times and it always stops me in my tracks.  But….have I stopped long enough to answer the question?  I ask myself, sometimes every day, what I am I here to do with my life?  My one wild and precious life?  I know I am not alone.  But how many of us ever REALLY answered that question?  Sat down.  Written it out. Made a plan. Gotten started.  How many of us dream of what we want from life, but it never leaves our thoughts?  I am starting to think my dreams are:

Little broken things, sad trinkets that we play with over and over. The world turns our key and  we play the same little tune again and again and we think that tune is all we are.

 - Grant Morrison (Batman, The Invisibles)

That may sound a little grim, but honestly, it is becoming my truth.  I dream.  And then I get out in the real world, the one where I have to have a paycheck and plans, and my dreams take a backseat.  I don’t have time.  I don’t have the money.  I don’t have the skillset.  I am too old.  People depend on me.  I couldn't possibly do….what?  Have I really shut myself into such a small box that I cannot see out of it? 

Most of you have been following me for over a month now.  I stepped outside the box and outside my comfort zone.  I took a month from my life and left for Dublin and Greece.  It was truly magical.  And yesterday?  After two weeks home?   I renewed my subscription to Netflix so I could watch "Nyad" and instead spent the whole day watching "The Great British Baking Show".  My ass I don't have time.  Someone explain to me the logic of spending hours watching other people chase their dreams while wallowing in self-pity about not having enough time for my own.  Especially after having an amazing adventure where in fact I did find the time and the money to do something for me.  Was that a waste of time? 

Chasing your dreams can be living in constant discomfort.  Diana experienced physical pain, self-doubt, financial loss, weather, fear, disappointment, failure.  All of it.  Every day.  Five different attempts.   Yet she knew what she wanted to do with her one wild and precious life.  And she didn't give up.  Even when others abandoned her.  I'm wondering what is causing me more discomfort.  Fear of doing nothing or fear of doing what I know is possible?

James Clear writes, "When you fall in love with the process rather than the product, you don't have to wait to give yourself permission to be happy."  He also states that if you don't fall in love with the process, you might as well give up on the outcome.  Give up on your dream.  The one I haven't even written down yet.  Or defined.  Which is the start of any process.  Knowing what you want.   I seemed to understand that when I was in Greece.  When I was out of my comfort zone.  Being yourself is hard work.  Because the truth is, I don't really know who I am or what I am capable of as I spent most of my life coasting along simply surviving.  I want to thrive.  Thrive takes work.  And practice.  And time.  Change does not happen overnight.  Greece was the start of change, but I stepped right back into comfortable.  It was easier.  The gift of Greece is that being uncomfortable helped me notice that I have no desire to live in comfortable anymore.  

I do not believe that chasing your dream has to always be hard.  I am sure that Diana had many wins along the way.  Without some wins, everyone would give up.  But the truth is that I will never know the wins or the losses, I will never make progress, if I don’t know what I want.  Greece was progress and progress is always made when I step outside my comfort zone.  Always.  When I am crying on the couch watching others achieve their dreams, there is no progress, only tears of regret that I am not doing the same thing.  And I'm over it.  I will never be a swimmer.  I don't have to be.  I just have to find "my thing", set a goal, make a plan, and take it one stroke at a time.

Diana Nyad said it best in an interview I saw with her after she reached her goal,

" I was a person that was wracked with regrets, constantly beating myself up.  Once I started to swim and live my life with a big dream and dedicate myself to it and live with passion, no matter what happens, no matter what happens, live your life this way.  If every day I can think I looked at that sunset and I took it in.  If I helped somebody today and did something toward my own personal goals and felt the joy of my body, I've lived a good life.  And what more can you do." 

What are we all going to do with our one wild and precious life?  It's never too late, we are never too old and we have everything we need.  We just have to start.  And then trust and participate in the process.