Ego

The word ego has a bad rap. The most common understanding of ego is our sense of self-worth.  Our perception of how we are viewed and how we view ourselves.  Because we allow it to define who we are, it is also limits us by whatever our definition of ego means.  We believe that in order to grow, to become enlightened, we have to somehow disown or disavow our egoic self or we will never find our enlightened self.  Never be able to live up to our full potential. The ego gets in the way. 

I have long held that even if I can find my enlightened self, it is not as though I  have magically arrived "there" and have no where else to go.  I continue to grow and, I believe, am always moving in and out of an enlightened state. Enlightened being relative to my egoic state, not what a yogi would call "true enlightenment".  Maybe I should just call it a lighter state or less judgmental. An awareness or "being" state.  What I really need to do is bring awareness to that "being"  state and notice what it feels like to be there before I am challenged by life yet again.  Which happens daily. The more I practice knowing what "enlightened" feels like, it is easier to come back to my personal center, my self.  For me, the feeling of being means knowing where I am right now and enjoying who I am right now.  Not living in the past or the future.  Paying attention to and participating in my life as it shows up.   

Today we discussed "…the ego is a process, not an intrinsic reality. It is a series of divisive thoughts inherent in nature, but not a real entity in itself…..does not represent the underlying truth or nature of creatures.  It allows the soul to identify with different bodies, but does not reveal our true Self…."  I love the way this is phrased.  I have always seen my ego as the voices in my head, the inner critic.  Another person, a real person, living in my head. Continually harping at me and letting me know how I am getting it wrong  Not measuring up to the standards that have been set by myself, my family, society, my peers, etc.   Ego as a real, fixed entity.  Immutable. Defining my self worth.

The phrase "we are not our thoughts" fits nicely here.  If ego is process, something fluid, not an intrinsic reality, then how I think about myself on a daily basis now has some give.  Flexibility for me to make mistakes and learn.  My ego does not reveal my true Self, but it is helping me learn about my true Self.  Therefore, it is helping me reach my full potential, not limiting me.  I can expand my view of myself.  I am not who I think I am.  I am in process.  My ego simply an expression of myself as I am today, in this moment.  Tomorrow something else might be revealed. 

The other pitfall is the ego believing that things happen TO us.  Life is constantly trying to knock us off center or is unfair.  Other people can move forward in their lives, the ego would say, because they have not had the same setbacks that I have experienced.  What if we challenge the ego when it asks, "Why did that happen TO me?" with  "Why did that happen FOR me?"  A subtle but important shift in perspective that brings us back to the truth that life, and ego, is a process.  It is not the whole of who we are and perhaps things happen FOR us to bring us what we need.  Life happens not to keep us down, but to push us so we can further define who we CAN be.

My ego would like me to remind you that the purpose of this journal, as stated in my first blog, was only to practice writing daily.  I made it clear that there would be typos and grammatical errors and content that may be interesting. Or not.  That I disabled the ability to leave comments because my ego might not be able to withstand any criticism.  It would hamper my willingness to sit down and write every day.  I was protecting my idea of my self worth, my acceptance in your world, by anticipating how you, and my own ego, might reject me. 

I have learned, as I write and hit publish, that letting go of what I have said or how it will be received, is the gift of my ego changing shape. Processing.  Yes, I am learning the discipline of writing every day, but, and I mean this in the kindest of ways, not caring if you think I am crazy.  It is me learning to see ego as a development tool, not the be all to end all.  Not the determination of my self worth.  Not my inner critic, but my inner guide.  Pushing back on the definition of self worth.  Of ego. 

And if my instructors read this, they may wonder if I was sleeping all day and just missed the point.  But I am also learning to take what I need and what speaks to me.  Otherwise, I would be spending my time here lost and confused, which may be how this left you….😂

Crazy or not, those are my thoughts for today. Hope you are having an amazing Monday!  Much love to all.