I Want "That"

“Stress is caused by being ‘here’ but wanting to be ‘there’.”

 - Eckhart Tolle

What have you prayed for in your life?  Begged for?

Not necessarily a religious prayer, just one you believed, if it was answered, it would change your life for the better.  Someone to “see” you, to love you?  A new job?  Maybe lose weight.  Leave a job.  Leave a relationship.  New car, house, clothes.  Better health.  To be sober.  Stop spending so much money.  Not being so critical of yourself.  So many things that we pray for with the hope it will change where we are right now.  If we could just be “there” or have “that”, our lives would be everything we want. 

When I was 13, I was convinced that a white faux fur coat was everything I needed.  We moved to Denver suddenly in the middle of my 7^th grade year and I felt very alone after being forced to leave all my friends behind.  I was convinced that this coat would make me stand out; that new friends would flock my way. 

My father was busy starting his own law practice and money was tight.  He certainly didn’t see the need for the coat and told me that if I wanted it that badly, I needed to get a job.  So, I did.  I spent the entire summer working at Dolly Madison, a local ice cream shop, sticky up to my armpits for an entire summer.  In the mid-70’s, you could put items on layaway, the precursor to credit cards.  The store would “hold” the item for you and you made weekly payments until it was paid off.  It took the entire summer, working for $2.30 an hour—the minimum wage in Colorado at the time—to earn the money I needed.

I don’t know what made me think of that coat recently, but I barely remember bringing it home from the store.  Nor do I remember the first time I wore it or what happened to it over the years.  I just know that I HAD to have it.  It was the answer to all my problems. 

A coat is just a “thing” and the acquisition of it did not really make or break any aspect of my life.  But I have certainly wished for other realities that did have big impacts.  Other “things” that I felt I needed to solidify my standing - a new house, a new car, a wedding ring.   A belief that joining an organization or knowing the right people or getting a new job would bring stability or prestige.  That ending a relationship would bring me freedom.  That becoming a mother would make me feel whole.  That alcohol would help me “fit in” and make life pain free.  That sobriety would solve everything. 

The problem with wanting change, is that you must change.  We pray for something to be different in our lives and then run away in fear (or simply give up trying) when we realize that to achieve it, we must adapt.  We must show up differently.  Take risks.  We might lose people along the way.  People we thought we needed or couldn’t live without.  Our thoughts and behaviors need to shift, to align with what we are striving for.  While what we TRULY need, what our soul has been asking for, can all too easily be cast aside in frustration.   We want, but we do not have the patience or the determination to see it through.  

This is understandable when you consider that our minds and bodies crave homeostasis. We are hard-wired to keep things the same, to stay in our comfort zone.  Any change, even if it is for the better, will be uncomfortable until it is familiar.  Craving the same homeostasis, we will also remain in unhealthy situations longer than we like.  Resisting change is a survival mechanism set in place long ago.  Change is not in our DNA. 

In addition, we romanticize “there” or “that” and assume that once we get “it”, we won’t have to work at anything anymore.  Life will be grand, and we can sit back and reap the rewards of our hard work.  When, in fact, I don’t know of anyone who, upon reaching a major goal, felt that there was nothing left to do. We simply create a new “there” or “that” and repeat the same frustrating cycle. 

Life is constantly changing, and we will change with it.  We must.  What WILL bring us peace is recognizing that we are not in control.  We have free will and we have choice, but we do not control what comes our way.  We can only control how we respond to it.  Searching for “there” or “that” is simply future tripping about things we cannot know or predict.   Believing that if we attain them now our lives will be magically transformed, is simply unrealistic. 

Lastly, we need to remind ourselves that if change is to happen, we must give it time.  And patience.  And practice.  You didn’t become who you are overnight and you will not change overnight.  Especially with our bodies and minds demanding that things stay the same.  As James Clear shares, if you put an ice cube in a room that is zero degrees Fahrenheit and increase the temperature one degree per day, you won’t see any melting until you hit 32 degrees, the temperature at which it will change from a solid to a liquid.  It takes us time to thaw as well.  To shift.  To trust in the direction we want to go.  To figure it out.

When we stay in today, focused solely on what we can address in this moment with what we have right now and when we become aware of what we need to change and make small, sustainable changes that are practiced daily, we can slowly trick our mind into a new homeostasis.  A new way of getting what we need and where we want to go. 

My father always said, “If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”  Stop looking for the “there” and the “that.”  It may seem like we live in an instant gratification world, but true change is only found with time.  The “there” and the “that” are simply external manifestations of what we believe will make us appear whole to someone else. 

Instead of looking for the next thing in life, stop and ask yourself WHY you believe what you desire will make you feel whole.  What problem are you trying to solve?  What emotion are you trying to avoid?  The answers to what our soul needs are never out there.  They are in you and with patience, practice, and time, you can uncover everything you need.