Journey vs Destination

“There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go” - Tennessee Williams

The end of 2024 was tumultuous.  And unexpected.  And hard. 

No real need to go into details.  We have all had those times in our lives.  Ones where we are hurt, angry, betrayed.  Doing what we think is our best, only to find out that someone has changed all the rules.  Or worse, their ego set you up for failure before you even started.  And you were just late coming to the game.  Feeling stupid for not seeing the warning signs.  Or worse, you saw them and ignored them anyway. 

I spent most of last year working on a project that I thought was my destiny.  At least for the foreseeable future. Something I loved and was passionate about.  Something I felt called to do.   In early December, it crashed and burned in spectacular and unexpected fashion.  But, it wasn't as if there weren't warning signs.  I thought I could make everything right.  I just had to push through.  I fell back into my very bad habit of believing that I could "fix it". 

I spent most of December trying to make sense of the situation while also trying to support a community I love dearly.  They were being let down too, they just didn't know it yet.  Along with an amazing group of women helping me lead, I had a responsibility to keep things together for as long as I could.  And it was exhausting.  At the end of December, the women who journeyed with me and I walked away with our heads held high. We had done an admirable job of keeping things "normal" and making the community feel held. I was proud of what we accomplished.  Yet, was also disappointed and felt as if I had failed.  Why can't life be simple?  Straightforward? Clear in what we are handed and how we are supposed to feel about it?

Now what?  I left my career of 42 years last March.  This new opportunity presented itself in April and from June 1st to the end of 2024, I was devoted to supporting someone else's dream.  I had personal goals and ideas for my future when I left my career, but I abandoned them quickly.  Ready to step onto a path determined by another.  Completely ignoring MY plans.  

The Universe apparently had other ideas about my journey.  Now it is January 1st and for the first time in my life, I feel like I have a clean slate.  Nothing on the horizon.  It is exhilarating and frightening.  I am untethered.  And what I do next is completely up to me. 

I laughed as I wrote that last line.  And it stopped me in my tracks.  When did I start believing that my life was not up to me?  Whether my day was free of obligations or packed to the gills, it has always been mine.  Yet, most of it HAS been spent under someone else's direction.  Jobs, partners, children, community work.  Most of my adult life had been spent in service to others.  Living under the delusion that being there for someone else, "fixing it",  was my "job".  And I did it well. 

Last year taught me a lot.  About myself, about the people I trust, about boundaries, about dreams.  My life has been spent largely looking at the destination.  Would I get "there"?  Even though I never really defined what or where "there" was.  Or what "there" meant to ME.   And if I did arrive, would I show up the way OTHER people expected?  Would my journey be seen as "worthy" in other's eyes?  Was I "good"?  Did I make enough money, was I a good mother, was I respected, loved?  The final accounting of my life, appeared to be based on nothing but the opinions of others.  Life measured by successes and failures.  Destinations I had reached.  And I bought it.  Hook, line and sinker. Never really noticing that the journey was what really mattered.

“There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go” - Tennessee Williams

Sitting in front of the blank slate that is January 2025, I am determined to make the next stage of my life about the journey, NOT the destination.  What I am finally understanding is that the journey is where growth happens.  Where I learn to trust myself.  The journey is where I find my voice, establish boundaries.  Where choice lies.  Where I get to decide what stays and what needs to go.  The journey is where all my power resides.

At the beginning of my yoga training several years ago, I was asked to pick a word. Something I wanted to focus on. My word was "home".  Inside the card I wrote:

Lost is not without direction

Found is not a final destination

Knowing does not come from knowledge

Home is neither a house, nor a place I want to escape from

Home is anywhere along the path

Where I choose to stop and reside

It is a safe space and a soft spot to land

Filled with love and trust

Simply waiting for me to enter. 

The journey is mine.  The destination is what others expect me to achieve.  The journey is choosing where and when I need to stop and land and when I need to rise.  The destination is stepping into the current of other's dreams and believing it has to be mine too. 

Life will never be a straight line from A to B.  Instead  there is a beautiful and circuitous path to my home.  To my heart.  What do I want?  What do I need?  I vow to ask myself those questions every day.  And then listen for the answer. 

May 2025 bring you all a safe space and a soft spot to land.  And may the journey bring you joy, test your strength and teach you exactly what you need to know in that moment.  One day at a time.  One step at a time.  May it bring you home.