Substance

 "Worrying doesn't empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength"-

Corrie Ten Boom

Have you ever looked at a photo of yourself, ten or twenty years ago, and thought, "I looked pretty good."  Forgetting that you did not, at that time, think you looked great at all?  Comparing your current self to your prior self. Romanticizing the past. Or worse, comparing yourself to the idealized version of self the world is "selling" you?

On Saturday, I watched the new Demi Moore movie, "The Substance".  WARNING: if you do not have a strong stomach or do not like horror films, consider just reading below and not actually watching the film.  It was not at all what I expected.

The premise is that Demi plays an aging star and exercise guru, Elizabeth Sparkles.  Think Jane Fonda in the 80's.  She loses her job when the marketing powers that be decide she is too old.  Through a series of events, she is introduced to "The Substance", a product that will make her younger.  After taking the drug, part of her becomes a completely new entity, Sue.  The instructions are clear, even though they are now two, they are still one and the same person.  The only rule is that they must switch back and forth every 7 days.  Without giving too much of the movie away, let's just say that each woman becomes increasingly frustrated with the other side, rules are broken, and neither one "wins". 

I am not a horror movie fan.  But special effects aside, it was hard to not see each woman in myself.  As I grow older and look in the mirror every morning, it is impossible not to notice the changes.  Impossible not to want to stop the hands of time.  But why?  Because I don't like what I see?  Or because the powers that be, people outside of myself, think I should look different? Act different?  Be different? 

Each time Elizabeth comes back into existence, she is so disgusted with how the younger version of herself is acting that she sabotages her own body, hoping that Sue will feel her pain.  And when Sue returns, she is disgusted with the way Elizabeth has let herself go.  Each woman doing her best to destroy the "other."  Elizabeth ages even faster than she would have before the "substance", and she wants to go back to the way things were.  Sue, enamored with her new prowess and fame, wants any association with Elizabeth to be gone and craves more and more of the "substance." 

It is frustrating to watch.  The phrase "if it seems to good to be true, it probably is", kept running through my head.  Yet, I have been quick to purchase over the years, "substances" that I was told would change MY life.  Books, classes, supplements, diets, weight loss "miracles", exercise classes, lotions, potions and brews.  All designed to keep me young, help me lose weight, make me a better person, change my relationships, find me a better job and end my addiction to alcohol.  Maybe it is hard to watch because I realize how much time, money and energy I spent over the years trying to be anything other than who I was.  Only to find myself the same or, in some cases, worse than I was before. 

Eventually I learned that change is not something someone can sell you.  It is something you earn.  And earning takes time and hard work and being honest about who you really are and what you really want.  I can read all the diet books I want, but if I still eat crap, I will not lose weight.  I can use all the potions and creams, but if I still want to bake my skin in the summer to achieve a "healthy glow" I need to accept the consequences.  I can take classes, read books and join communities to conquer my addiction, but if I don't put down the drink, I will never get sober. 

There are multiple meanings for the word "substance".  Here are my chosen few from the Oxford English Dictionary:

sub·stance

/ˈsəbstəns/

noun 

• the real physical matter of which a person or thing consists and which has a tangible, solid presence.
• the most important or essential part of something; the real or essential meaning
• the quality of being important, valid, or significant.
• the quality of having a solid basis in reality or fact.
• the quality of being dependable or stable.

These are only some of the definitions and the highlights are mine.  Key words that speak to me about the truth I often want to overlook.  I have everything I need to be exactly who I want to be. I have substance. Not who THE WORLD says I should be, but who I need to be for ME.  I don't need any more sales pitches, "substances" or magical potions.  I need to see, value and appreciate my own "substance".  My truth.  The most essential and important parts of my being.  I am "important, valid and significant."  Solid. 

We all wish there was an easy way out.  ONE thing that would make all the difference.  Help us see the light.  Change our lives.  We pay lots of money every year for the promise.  The only ones getting rich are the ones telling us we are not good enough exactly as we are.  With each purchase and every attempt at being something we are not; we also have that nagging inner voice.  Our true self asking us not to spend any more money on someone else's idea of what is beautiful, easier ways to make money, or for the secret sauce to changing our lives in ways we cannot yet imagine. 

Worrying about who we will be tomorrow, absolutely robs us of who we are today.  Robs us of living with integrity, trusting in our truth.  Living up to idealized standards only erodes our belief in ourselves.  If we never give our true self a chance, how will we ever know what we can achieve?  And maybe, just maybe, trusting who you already are is the only thing you need to completely change your life.  You will never need "a substance" to find your inner "substance."  You WILL need time, insight, patience, and trust.  Last time I checked those "substances" were free of charge.