Time

Time always seems more noticeable when I am on vacation or out of my routine.  I am also aware that, when I am at home and in my routine, I am not very respectful of time.  Or, more pointedly, how I spend my free time.   Am I doing something that brings me joy?  Or making excuses for what time I do have can't be  spent being more present in my life? 

It is true that, while I am here, I do not have to spend my time doing mundane tasks like laundry, preparing meals, cleaning the house or feeding the dog.  Tasks that take up a large part of my time.  When I am home, I FEEL like I can't spend time on myself because I am being pulled in so many different directions. I do have more to do at home than here,  but the reality is I have time, I am just not managing my time very well. 

In any given week, there are 168 hours (24 x 7).  I have the same 168 hours when I am at home or on vacation.  It is easy to break down how I spend my time while I am here because almost every minute is accounted for - class, eating, prep for class, sleep, showering, study and a small amount of personal time.  All of which I love doing.  It makes me feel like I am moving forward, it is growth oriented and expansive.  All 168 hours are spoken for and all 168 hours feel productive. 

When I am at home, my 168 hours include, sleep, work, exercise, eating, shopping, taking care of the house and dog, showering, meditation/mantra, volunteer work, etc. I don't love how I am spending ALL of my time.  Work seems like a necessary evil as does housework and shopping or laundry.  When I am home, however, I can only account for approximately 146 hours of my time.  That leaves 22 hours, or a little over 3 hours per day, that I can count as "free time".  Time I can use to read or study or write or do all of the things that, while I am here, I perceive as growth-oriented and expansive. I have time for me.   Conspicuously absent from my list of things that I also do everyday are social media, games on my phone, watching tv.  Things I affectionately call "time sucks".  I don't think I am alone in that description.  I am not being honest with my time if I don't include them.  Quite often, they eat up the three hours of free time I supposedly have in a day.

I come back to the geometry we are learning.  I am fascinated by how limited my perspective is when I am hovering over a drawing and I cannot see the shape I am looking for;  often hidden in plain sight.  When I stand up or walk around my drawing, when I change my perspective, I can usually find the shape the instructor is intending for us to draw.    I need  a different perspective on how I am spending time in my "real life".   How I have time hidden in plain sight.

I may not have the luxury I do here of spending my day doing things that bring me joy.  But at home, I have fallen into the trap, the perspective,  that I am too busy to make time for things that are important to me.   The belief that "the day has gotten away from me" or I am too tired or drained by all of my "necessary evils" to even think about self improvement. 

The other truth, mentioned in a prior blog, is that I have no concept of what I really DO accomplish in a week or a month.  The days seem to go by without noticing what I have or haven't accomplished.  I have tried adopting the habit of taking the time (another thing to deduct from my 168 hours) to both summarize my day and plan the next one.  In other words, noticing how I spend my day.  Noticing my life.  I have been inconsistent with that habit as it often brings to light how much time I am actually wasting in any given day.  Wanting to know but not wanting to know.  How will that paradox ever move me forward? 

Ultimately, I think it comes down to how accountable am I willing to be to myself?  I can stay in the perspective that I just don't have time to accomplish the things that are important to me. Or, I can take a step back, see the bigger, more honest, picture and remind myself that I matter.  Making better use of the 3 hours a day I DO have, not complaining about the false perspective that tells me I have no time.   Taking time for me is never wasted time.  Even if I took one of the 3 hours that I appear to have every day and did something, anything, that moved me forward, moved me closer to my true self and my dreams, it would be time well spent.  Homework.

Note to self:  Even though almost every minute of my time here has been accounted for, I still found time to write this blog (almost) daily.  I wanted to develop a writing  practice while on this trip.  I MADE TIME.  I know I am capable of all I discuss here.  Now I just need to make my actions match my intentions.  I can do this….she said. 🥰😂