Un-become

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

We are born.  And then we start "becoming".  We become what those around us believe and expect.  In, The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz calls it domestication.  We are taught from birth how to dress, talk, think, move, and act.  We are taught "right" from "wrong" based on our family, school, church, or anywhere we interact with people.   We become what those around us believe. The process of "becoming" by both learning from and comparing ourselves to others, can engender a feeling that there is something inherently "wrong" with us. WE are not like THEM.  Being told how to "be" doesn’t strip us of our free will to define ourselves, but it does prompt us to reflect on "how" we exist in relation to others. 

A constant comparison to others takes its toll on our inner being.   Tiring of feeling like we never get it right, we often look for something that we DO have control over.  Anything that will let us escape, even briefly, from the pressure of being who everyone else wants us to be. 

The word addiction emphasizes that we have lost control of our lives somehow and that one word kept me from seeking help for many years.  Forty-six to be exact.  I knew from the first time I drank alcohol to excess at age 13 that I had an issue.  After 46 years of learning that alcohol was a part of every event in my life and 46 years of seeing everyone around me drink, often to excess, I finally understood that I was the odd man out.  I couldn't do what everyone else did.  I didn't like who I had become.  So I started the long process of learning how to "un-become". 

Becoming was a gradual process, learned over a lifetime.  Learning to un-become felt abrupt and harsh.  A piece of my identity was ripped away.  Something I had relied on for relief was not only gone, everyone around me was questioning its absence.  Making me feel "less than" in a world where I already felt out of place. 

Tommy Rosen defines addiction as "any behavior you continue to do despite the fact that it brings negative consequences into your life."  In my 5th year of sobriety, I am now recognizing that alcohol was just one addiction.  One behavior that was bringing negative consequences.  But certainly not the only one.  Food, tv, social media, self-care, shoes….the list of escapes when I feel insecure seems endless.

Marketing experts understand our insecurities and invest heavily in persuading us to buy solutions. In 2023, the alcohol industry spent $8.5 billion promoting how their products could enhance nearly every aspect of our lives—promising romance, stress relief, and even better vacations. The food industry relies on additives like dyes, aroma enhancers, fats, sugar, and salt, as well as chemicals designed to MAKE us addicted to ultra-processed foods and to drive sales. Meanwhile, the cosmetics and clothing industries pour billions into convincing us to look younger, stay fashionable, and keep up with trends. On average, individuals encounter an estimated 4,000 to 10,000 advertisements daily, influenced by their media consumption, location, and lifestyle. 

The more I reflect on all my dependencies, I think it is fair to question, am I suffering from  addiction or indoctrination?  We "become" what we see, learn, are exposed to, and are trained by marketers to believe. Constantly comparing ourselves to others and to ideals set by people who are not interested in who we are, but what they want us to buy.  Why then do  we feel such shame when find ourselves addicted?  Why do we give that word such power?  We buy into what we are supposed to be and then are told that we are weak or have no willpower when we find ourselves in trouble.  We shame ourselves for not being stronger.  We are made to believe that what is required to "fit in", is everything we are not. 

It should not be hard to understand why learning how to "un-become" can be a daunting task. We begin questioning everything we have learned over decades of living.  If the answer lies in giving up those habits that brought us comfort when we felt most lost, our addictions, it is easy to think that we are simply broken. Especially if we buy into the marketing rhetoric that everyone else is able to manage life and do so within expected limits.  Addictions to alcohol and food have complex physical and emotional components in addition to battling the messages we receive.  But all addiction can be devastating if we continue to believe that "fitting in" is more important than being true to ourselves. 

"The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday."

– Unknown

The person YOU were yesterday. Not your neighbor or your best friend or the person your parents "raised you to be."   Certainly not who marketers want you to become. To "un-become" in a world where we are inundated with false realities about who we should be is a daily challenge.  But I personally am tired of trying to be all things to all people.  And even more tired of being told who I am not, but that someone has something that will fix me right up. For a price, I can fit right in.

Maybe we should start a movement.  How to un-become.  I wonder what that marketing campaign would look like?